First Real Blog

I’ve been contemplating writing a real blog post for a while now, but have been feeling like i have’nt got much to say. I’m young, not very socially experienced, have’nt got very good writing skills and generally don’t have a lot to offer to the human race as of yet. So i guess ill just ramble like this is a diary.

It feels like I’m living in a world where all originality has been lost, everything i want to say has already been spoken, and my personality itself, is’nt really my own. Its like I’m just a collection of concepts, experiences and conditioning that has come together temporarily to form this mess i am today. All the philosophies have spoken about this guff before. Who are we? This existential question seems to splinter the foot of every moment in my waking life.

Only in dreamland am i free to explore the unbounded possibilities of my mind. I admit, my ego is out of control. I lock myself away and cut myself off from so many experiences of ordinary daily living. I’m afraid, is the bottom line, afraid of poking too many holes in my already fragile self-image made from papiermache clippings of philosophical writings and quotes from sages. I’m sure that if anyone actually read this, they would find it the most boring thing in the world. Have i really become like the dumb faced Keanu Reeves, endlessly staring at the computer screen, waiting for Morpheus to let me out of this fake, dissatisfying world?

I never open up to people, that is my problem, always keeping them at a distance in case i break like thin sugar glass and shatter into a thousand pieces. My sins weigh heavy on me today, as they do everyday. If i could take back my actions, and go back in time to that blissful glimpse of zen-like freedom. Back when my sins were light, and i could breath more clearly and deeply from the heart.

Sure there were relative problems, my alcohol consumption and lack of decent friends, but even now i have conquered those things, my life feels empty and hollow. Sometimes i just dream of monk-hood. A supportive community, a constant diligent spiritual practice, a resident lama and other monks to have contact with. Perhaps this is what i need. Or perhaps this is just a fantasy as well, just another hollow dream.

So i guess this is my first post.

Well, at least its honest.