Been searching on google again to try and find some kind of drug to take away this feeling of despair deep down. Suppressed. Like a brick im holding for no reason other than to call it my own. Im being melo-dramatic again. Did’nt think this blog would be that depressing. But i am depressed, so it makes sense. Trying to be friends with an ex-lover is always hard. The other day i broke off our friendship after seeing her with another one of her ex’s. I felt such relief that day, and it was like the brick had been set down. I was actually happy. Why did i send her that email saying that i still wanted to be friends? Going back on what i said i know would hurt her a lot. She’s too sensitive. She would get over it though i guess. I have to be honest.

It feels like I’m living in a world where all originality has been lost, everything i want to say has already been spoken, and my personality itself, is’nt really my own. Its like I’m just a collection of concepts, experiences and conditioning that has come together temporarily to form this mess i am today. All the philosophies have spoken about this guff before. Who are we? This existential question seems to splinter the foot of every moment in my waking life.

Only in dreamland am i free to explore the unbounded possibilities of my mind. I admit, my ego is out of control. I lock myself away and cut myself off from so many experiences of ordinary daily living. I’m afraid, is the bottom line, afraid of poking too many holes in my already fragile self-image made from papiermache clippings of philosophical writings and quotes from sages. I’m sure that if anyone actually read this, they would find it the most boring thing in the world. Have i really become like the dumb faced Keanu Reeves, endlessly staring at the computer screen, waiting for Morpheus to let me out of this fake, dissatisfying world?

I never open up to people, that is my problem, always keeping them at a distance in case i break like thin sugar glass and shatter into a thousand pieces. My sins weigh heavy on me today, as they do everyday. If i could take back my actions, and go back in time to that blissful glimpse of zen-like freedom. Back when my sins were light, and i could breath more clearly and deeply from the heart.

Sure there were relative problems, my alcohol consumption and lack of decent friends, but even now i have conquered those things, my life feels empty and hollow. Sometimes i just dream of monk-hood. A supportive community, a constant diligent spiritual practice, a resident lama and other monks to have contact with. Perhaps this is what i need. Or perhaps this is just a fantasy as well, just another hollow dream.

So i guess this is my first post.

Well, at least its honest.

“There is, monks, an unborn, uncreated, an unconditioned. Here, monks, I say there is no coming, no going, no standing, no ceasing, no beginning. Not fixed, not movable, it has no support. Just this is the end of suffering.”

“The natural laws of nature can be expressed very simply in a broader sense, as the Law of Dependent Origination (//Paticcasamuppada//), like this:

When this is, that is;|
When this arises, that arises;
When this is not, that is not;
When this ceases, that ceases.”

“He who has eyes can see the sickening sight;
Why does not Brahma set his creatures right?
If his wide power no limit can restrain,
Why is his hand so rarely spread to bless?
Why are all his creatures condemned to pain?
Why does he not to all give happiness?
Why do fraud, lies, and ignorance prevail?
Why triumphs falsehood — truth and justice fail?
I count your Brahma one the unjust among
Who made a world in which to shelter wrong.”
– Bhuridatta Jataka, No. 453

“I am Brahma the Great Brahma, the Supreme One, the Mighty, the All-seeing, the Ruler, the Lord of all, the Maker, the Creator, the Chief of all appointing to each his place, the Ancient of days, the Father of all that is and will be.” (Digha Nikaya, II, 263).

Nagarjun the Indian Buddhist philosopher of the 2nd century CE expressed a commonly shared Buddhist view when he wrote:

The gods are all eternal scoundrels
Incapable of dissolving the suffering of impermanence.
Those who serve them and venerate them
May even in this world sink into a sea of sorrow.
We know the gods are false and have no concrete being;
Therefore the wise man believes them not
The fate of the world depends on causes and conditions
Therefore the wise man many not rely on gods.

Mahapaja paramitashâstra [Lamotte trans. I, p.141]

“A superior person cares for the well-being of all things.
She does this by accepting responsibility for the energy she manifests, both actively and in the subtle realm.

Looking at a tree, she sees not an isolated event, but root, leaves, trunk, water, soil and sun: each event related to the others, and “tree” arising out of their relatedness.

Looking at herself or another, she sees the same thing.
Trees and animals, humans and insects, flowers and birds:
These are active images of the subtle energies that flow from the stars throughout the universe. Meeting and combining with each other and the elements of the earth, they give rise to all living things.

~ from the Hua Hu Ching “

http://members.tripod.com/~parvati/strassman.html

The more we drink, the more we have to drink, like having a spot, and applying makeup to smooth over its appearance, all the while it is growing bigger underneath, and we require more makeup to cover it each time. Little do we know that just by stopping applying the makeup, the spot will naturally subside by itself.

The problem is that we think that there is some inherent pleasure in the substance due to our societal conditioning and subsequent feeding of our reactive mind. This remains the case until we wake up, and realize what the substance actually is, like the spot bursting through the cracks in the makeup. By that time, its usually too late, and our bodies have become physically dependent upon the substance.

Personally i do not believe in the classic label of the alcoholic, because there is no definite line that we can draw, as the resulting effect on the person suffering at the bottom of the pitcher plant did not arise through our typical misunderstandings of over indulgence. It usually happens in most cases through a slow and progressive slipping, as is the nature of the trap.

The pitcher plant is a good model, because we can observe in nature how insects at the beginning of the pitcher plant, can easily fly free having only sipped at some of the nectar. They may even come back and sip again occasionally and never fall prey to slipping all the way inside.

There is a good possibility using our innate human intelligence to realize, even in the bottom of the plant that the substance has no real grip, and it is only our conditioning and contrary understanding as to the nature of the substance that keeps us trapped in its grips. Our bodies can also recover, as the human body is a marvelous machine that can bear sometimes even the greatest of difficulties.

One the nature of the substance has been clearly ascertained, we can then systematically analyze our excuses for drinking, and our fauly views that have tricked us into the trap will naturally subside.

Through observing our minds, and understanding the sublte mentle reaction-associations that cause us to continue drinking alcohol, we no longer have to employ any volitional acts of willpower, or use any method that might work in spite of our own understandings.

This therefore is an easy way to quit alcohol for those who wish too, and we can start right away with a feeling of confidence and joy, relinqueshing the mind-split effect from battleing with our innate wisdom and common sense.